Carmel Wynne challenges the notion that parents must be perfect and argues that mothers, especially, must look after themselves, after their own physical and emotional needs – for the good of the whole family.
“Why didn’t you warn me that it would be like this?” my friend enquired. “You wouldn’t have believed me if I told you that a baby would take over your life,” I replied.
My friend had her first baby when she was 41. He is now nine months old and, although she loves him dearly, she finds looking after him stressful. Life is difficult for her at the moment. She had no problem confiding in me, but she is not willing to tell her husband how inadequate she feels as a parent.
Planning another child
What also scares her is that she and her husband plan to try for another baby as early as she feels up to a second pregnancy. When they discussed having children, they both agreed that it would be better not to have an only child. Recognising how easy it is for older parents with financial means to spoil a child, they decided to give their first baby a brother or sister as soon as possible. Her husband is anxious for her to become pregnant now. But she will not tell him that she is not able to cope with one infant, not to mind two.
Sensitive to the health risks for any mother and child when mum is of late maternal age, the logical part of her agrees with her husband. But emotionally, she feels very differently. I have no doubt that my friend is acting from the best of motives. She has fallen into the trap of playing the roles she thinks are expected of her. She is attempting to be the perfect, loving wife and the perfect parent, and on the surface she is successful. She is so convincing that her husband has no idea how miserable and inadequate she really feels.
She is unwilling to disappoint him by admitting that she simply could not cope with pregnancy or another child right now. Looking after a nine month old baby is taking a toll on her that she did not expect. Her house used to be immaculate and now it is a mess. Her infant son is very demanding. She resents the way he has totally taken over her life. She feels tired, trapped in an untidy house that she does not have time to clean. her previously well ordered life has been transformed and made chaotic by a baby she dotes on but also resents.
Guilty feelings
She feels guilty about her resentment. My suggestion that she be honest with her husband and tell him how she feels was rejected instantly. She is afraid that if he really knew how she feels, he might be disappointed and think less of her. She would rather muddle through on her own than risk telling him she is not coping well.
My heart goes out to my friend and to all parents of young babies who feel they have to be perfect parents. It’s no disgrace for a new mother to admit that she finds mothering a difficult task. Having a baby is a big undertaking for any couple. Older couples who become parents have more difficulty adjusting to the enormous changes in lifestyle that come with being on 24 hour call, seven days a week.
“It’s no disgrace to tell your spouse that parenthood is not the fulfiling and satisfying experience you both anticipated,” I suggested. “In my experience guilt and resentment are closely associated with a failure to communicate honestly.” We spoke about how sleep deprivation is so wearing it is actually used as torture. Getting up during the night to comfort a teething baby and having to crawl out of bed before dawn to respond to his early morning cries is exhausting.
Source of frustration
If the truth were told, one of the reasons many mothers feel guilty is because they have too much to do and their standards fall accordingly. I suspect that few fathers understand the frustration women go through when they are constantly interrupted and find they cannot complete everyday tasks because a crying baby needs instant attention. There is some relief for the mother in a two-parent family when the father takes over. For the woman who is parenting on her own and the mother who plays at being Supermum, life can be incredibly difficult.
Many single parent families are caught in a poverty trap. Dependent on social welfare payments to survive, there is rarely the money for mum to pay a baby sitter, so she gets little time or space for herself. Some married women face similar difficulties. When the mother gives up work the family income is radically reduced. The couple can only afford a babysitter when they go out together once a week.
Time for themselves
When I asked my friend if she was getting any time to herself, she laughed and asked “would you count time in the loo?” I wouldn’t. Busy mothers need time for themselves. This is not selfishness, it is life-giving. Yet many women are so wrapped up in being the perfect parent that they fail to meet their own physical and emotional needs. They are like the woodcutter who was so busy trying to chop all the trees that needed to be cut down that he didn’t have time to stop and sharpen his axe.
Family therapist, Virginia Satir says, “Every person needs time to be alone. In families, mothers particularly get to feeling guilty if they wish to have time alone. They feel as if they are taking something away from the family.” She suggests that family time needs to be divided into three parts: time for each person to be alone (self-time); time for each person to be with the other (couple time); time when everyone is together (family time). It is not easy for parents to share some of each of these kinds of time on a daily basis. Most new mothers are so busy and tired that they simply do not recognise how they are losing their cutting edge when they fail to take time out.
Unrealistic expectations
With all the psychological insights into human behaviour we have nowadays, it amazes me to find that guilt (in the sense of feeling shame for not being good enough) has such a strong hold in our society. Guilt breeds on unrealistic expectations, and these can be my own expectations of myself or the expectations of others or of our society. Under feelings of guilt there is nearly always a build up of resentment. Demands are being made that put me under pressures which I resent. Always where there is guilt there is a failure to communicate honestly and express feelings.
My friend was delighted that I understood how she felt. I suggested that she explore what she was doing to herself and her relationship with her husband by trying to be the perfect parent. She realised that she had trapped herself by pretending she was Supermum. She also realised that while she was concealing her feelings, she was making it less likely that her husband would understand that she felt she couldn’t cope with another baby.
I have no doubt that these new insights will take a lot of the pressure off my friend and help her to cope better with whatever she and her husband decide. The secret to solving any problem is to listen and communicate honestly. I didn’t think it appropriate to tell my friend this. She wouldn’t believe me just yet.
This article first appeared in Reality (July/August 1999), a Redemptorist publication.
