Edmond Grace SJ sheds some light on the issue of forgiveness to a hurt and traumatised person.
Could you say something about forgiveness? Many years ago an injury was done to me which caused me so much distress that I was hospitalised. Then it eased off for a long while, but it started up again recently after I was invited to someone’s house and treated in a very hurtful way. I asked a priest in confession would I be justified in refusing to go there again and he said only if I didn’t show resentment. I find this hard to take, as I wasn’t moulded in a foundry. I was distressed and traumatised by what happened and I thought I’d be justified in defending myself.
The situation you describe is a very painful one. It is deeply humiliating to be hurt to the point that it affects our health. To know that anyone could have that kind of power over us is something which can be very hard to bear.
Breaking free
When we are deeply hurt by others, there are all kinds of ways in which we can try to dull the hurt and make it go away. One way is revenge. Part of the pain of being hurt by another person is seeing them carrying on as if nothing has happened while we feel deeply wounded.
The thought of them suffering like us can be sweet, but revenge always acts as a bitter poison on the lives of those who give in to it. We can become obsessed with getting even, and even when we do take revenge our hatred continues to fester. The challenge of the cross when we are hurt is to free ourselves of the desire for revenge so that we can face the person who hurt us and forgive them. In that way we can free ourselves from the poison of resentment.
I once heard of a man – we will call him David – whose father was killed by another man whom we will call Absolom. Many years later David and Absolom came face to face. Absolom was afraid of what David might do to him; but instead of taking revenge David forgave Absolom, and at that moment a great burden was lifted from both their lives. David found a new peace, and Absolom’s grief over what he had done was free to flow once he knew he had been forgiven. Both men were healed.
Refusing forgiveness
Where an injury causes us distress without any physical wounds, the action which causes it is never as dramatic and straightforward as a killing. This means that the person who hurts us is usually in a position to excuse themselves and argue that what they did had no real connection to our pain. By contrast, when Absolom came face to face with David, he was in no position to deny what he had done: it was quite clear.
We can only go through a definite moment of forgiveness – as with David and Absolom – if the person who has caused the hurt is ready to acknowledge their guilt. In your case, those who hurt you may be completely unaware of the effect of their actions on you or they may have all kinds of reasons to explain what they did and absolve themselves of responsibility. Part of the pain in your situation is that, even if you want to forgive, you may not have the opportunity to express your forgiveness in a direct and formal way, which would help to heal it.
Breaking point
The way in which you were treated last year when you were invited to that house seems to have re-opened an old wound which had closed over but which may always remain fragile. As for going back to the house, the priest who warned you against resentment had a point. When we find ourselves hurt by others emotionally it is important that we do not wallow in the pain and humiliation of it all and go into a sulk. That is what resentment is all about and that is why it is wrong.
Having said that, however, we all have our breaking point and it is clear that your experience of hurt all those years ago pushed you beyond yours. You are under no obligation to subject yourself again to the distress which caused you so much suffering years ago. That is not what forgiveness is about.
If David had known that his gesture of forgiveness would have been rejected and mocked, his approach to Absolom would probably have done more harm than good. This, however, doesn’t mean that David’s desire to forgive was any less, but rather that Absolom had no desire to be forgiven. It is probable, however, that David had no way of knowing how Absolom would respond, in which case he would have had to be clear in his own mind how he himself would cope if Absolom rejected him.
Would he boil over with anger and hurt and end up doing something he regretted? Or would he break under the stress of having salt rubbed into his wound by the man who inflicted it in the first place? If he had judged that he was not strong enough to contain his anger or withstand his inner pain, he would have been ill-advised to approach Absolom as he did.
In your heart
Likewise with yourself. If you feel that you cannot cope with the pain of revisiting people who have wounded you deeply, not only is there no obligation to do so, it would also be very unwise. This does not mean that you are unforgiving. Far from it, the fact that you are struggling with your conscience on this matter means that you have forgiven in your heart, but that there is no opportunity for you to express that forgiveness in an open and healing manner. You are certainly not to blame for that.
This article first appeared in the Messenger, a publication of the Irish Jesuits.
