Soon after he returned at last to his people, Patrick heard ‘the voice of the Irish’, and he knew he had to prepare himself for his return.
When Patrick finally returned after some years to his family in Britain, his homecoming was a source of great happiness to them. Not only had he escaped from the clutches of the barbarians but now he was going to be a priest like his grandfather Potitus. He could be their priest and with his learning he would be able to play a prominent role in the governments of the district. He might even become a decurion like his father. They were so happy that they showered him with presents.
One night, during this time of homecoming, he had a dream. A man named Victoricus was carrying many letters. He gave one to Patrick and its first words were: ‘The voice of the Irish’ (Conf. 23). At the same time he seemed to hear many people calling out to him: ‘Come and walk once more among us’.
Patrick knew then that he could never settle down again among his own people. When he tried to explain this to them they felt hurt and resentful. After the welcome he had received, why would he want to leave them again for good? Why would he not want to stay at home? They needed him in these uncertain times. Did he not love them? Patrick had no answers and the pain of this second parting remained with him for ever. To the end of his days, he still longed to explain himself: ‘Although I am imperfect in many ways I want my family and relatives to know what kind of man I am so that they may understand the desire of my soul’ (Conf. 6). This desire took hold of Patrick with its own kind of violence which, unlike the greed and cruelty of the pirates who first brought him to Ireland, was rooted in the love of God.
Preparation for the mission
Patrick then left home for the last time and returned to Gaul. Some time later, he had another dream in which he saw the people of Ireland calling to him. He did not understand what they were saying but at the end of the dream he heard the following words: ‘He that laid down his life for you, it is he who speaks in you’ (Conf. 24).
These dreams had a profound effect on Patrick but he did not know what to do about them. He believed that God was calling him to return to Ireland, but he knew it was unlikely that his superiors would allow this because he was not looked on as reliable. Six years of slavery, in isolation from his contemporaries, meant that as well as losing out in his education he would have lacked the social graces. His deep and simple faith would have appeared to many as naive and, no doubt, more than once he felt the edge of their well-polished scorn. Their total inability to imagine the hardship he endured, combined with his own inability to make himself understood, would have had a draining effect on his self-confidence, so much so that he dared not speak openly about his desire to return to Ireland. That would have confirmed the view of many that he was an over-zealous freak.
There was one man whom Patrick came to trust during these years. Before his ordination as a deacon, he had doubts about his fitness for the priesthood and confided in this man about the incident which happened in his early teens, but he was reassured and was duly ordained. This man, whom Patrick described as his dearest friend, was the first to suggest that he ought to become a bishop and, with his encouragement, he made known his desire to lead a mission to Ireland.
Betrayal
A meeting was held in Britain at which Patrick was not present, though he was relying on his friend to plead his cause. In this, however, he was to be bitterly disappointed. For some reason, his friend made known ‘publicly before all, good and bad’ (Conf. 32) Patrick’s youthful misdemeanour. It was a cruel blow. Not only had he been deserted by the very man who had encouraged him to put himself forward, but details from his own life which he found painful and embarrassing had been made public. He was tempted there and then to give up completely but that night he was consoled by another dream.
I saw in a vision a document opposite my face, without honour, and meanwhile I heard a divine prophecy saying to me: ‘We were grieved to see the face of our chosen one with his name stripped of all honour.’(Conf. 46)
This setback made him aware that his ultimate strength lay not with his friends or even in his own determination but with the working of God’s providence. Looking back, at the end of his life, he could understand why others might have doubted his suitability to lead a mission to Ireland but he found fault with himself for not fully recognising and accepting the call of the Lord: ‘I failed to realise in good time the grace that was in me. Now I know I should have done so earlier’ (Conf. 46).
There is yet another of Patrick’s dreams which gives us a hint of how he finally came to terms with his own lack of self-confidence. In this dream he saw someone praying inside him with great emotion ‘and I was as it seemed inside my body’ (Conf. 25). He was puzzled as to who this person might be and only at the end of the prayer did he find out that it was the Spirit. The dreamer awoke with the words of Saint Paul echoing in his mind:
The Spirit comes to help us in our weakness in prayer for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit in person expresses our plea with sighs too deep for words (Rom. 8: 26; Conf. 25).
