Carmel Wynne believes we should not underestimate the difficulties of parenting and the strain it can put on a relationship – hence the need for learning appropriate skills and for a solid family support system.
It is widely accepted that the birth of a baby brings a great deal of joy, delight and happiness into a family. It is not so acceptable to say that the thought of parenting the baby also brings a lot of worry, fear and anxiety. This is particularly true for parents who want to bring their child up differently to the way they themselves were brought up. This aspect of parenting is seldom discussed honestly.
Difficult yet rewarding
It is one thing to talk about being a loving, caring parent as if this is a process that happens naturally. It is another to acknowledge that parenting is probably one of the most demanding, difficult yet rewarding jobs that any mother or father can undertake. A huge adjustment is needed in any couple’s relationship when a woman confirms that she is going to have a baby. Getting pregnant and giving life has a stressful as well as an exciting side.
Babies need so much care and attention that Guttman, an American psychologist, calls the arrival of children “the parental emergency.” Looking after a baby puts enormous demands on a new mother and father. It is a full-time 24 hour a day job which, ideally, requires two parents in the work of bringing up the child. Married couples frequently find that a new baby brings unexpected stress and tension into their relationship. The baby demands so much love and attention that the parents have a lot less time to give to each other.
In the early weeks after birth, the mother often expects more love and support from her husband than he is able to give. Disturbed nights are very common. All new mums are tired or exhausted a lot of the time. If dad is not getting enough sleep he is likely to be too tired to be there for the mum in theway she needs. For example, he comes in from work exhausted, wanting to have his dinner. Baby has been cranky during the day and he grumbles when he is asked to make the meal.
Understandably upset
Isn’t it understandable that a new mum may feel upset at this, and think that her husband or partner is not as sensitive to her needs as she expected? During her pregnancy she was cherished and made a fuss of in ways that made her feel so special. After the initial euphoria of the birth, the focus changes, the baby becomes the centre of attention, and she feels neglected.
Couples often feel deprived of the emotional support each gave the other before they became three. Few young parents have the maturity to talk openly about these very normal feelings. Some new mums tend to feel guilty and blame themselves when they feel they cannot cope.
I recall lying in my hospital bed looking at my own first born daughter, Aileen, with tender love. When the nurse took her and put her in the cot beside my bed, the tenderness turned to panic. I felt terror at the responsibility of caring for this incredibly beautiful but vulnerable little baby. My overwhelming feeling was fear when I realised that she was almost totally dependent on me, and I felt I was so unprepared to be a mother.
Influence of family
There is no denying that people are strongly influenced by the relationship skills they learned in their family of origin. It is widely accepted that parents tend to do with their children what was done with them unless they make a conscious decision to change Caring parents need to be aware that relationship defecits learned in childhood will be passed on to the next generation if new learning does not take place.
Our society pays scant attention to the large numbers of men and women who grew up in families where they did not feel loved or accepted. For better or worse, the self-esteem of every young child is powerfully affected by their parents’ relationship. Some level of conflict is natural in every relationship. However, if mum and dad are at loggerheads, that parental conflict will have an effect on their children. If the rows are serious, it will undermine the confidence of the children and breed an insecurity they will carry through life.
The concept that parenting skills happen naturally is being challenged, and rightly so. A person who did not have a happy childhood needs training if he or she is to give his or her own child a more loving family experience. In all families, healthy relationship skills are acquired side by side with dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. Happily, people are beginning to accept that just as job skills training is essential in the workplace, it is equally necessary for couples who want to parent effectively.
Much harder for single parents
If becoming a first time parent creates anxiety for married couples who enjoy a committed loving relationship, imagine how much harder parenting is for young single mothers who do not have the support of a partner. Statistics show that since 1996 one in four births in Ireland is extra-marital. Other figures suggest that 89 per cent of births in the under 20 age group are to single mothers.
Some couples who are a party to an unmarried pregnancy do an excellent job of parenting their child even when they decide not to get married. Sadly, there are many teenage fathers who abandon their pregnant girlfriend and refuse to take their parental responsibilities seriously. When this happens, single-parent families are ripe for self-esteem problems in both the child and the parent.
Caring grandparents and loving friends can do a lot to minimise the damage. A pregnant single girl needs a great deal of support from her own parents. Researchers from the University of Arizona found just how important this social support is when they studied girls, who were pregnant and unmarried. Those who had medium to low levels of support had four times the number of complications after giving birth as the mothers who had high levels of support.
Studies also show that social support can improve the outcome of pregnancy and childbirth. In a review of more than 144 studies, Drs. Hoffman and Hatch at Columbia University found that intimate social support from a partner or family member substantially increases foetal growth. One study found that the likelihood of foetal growth retardation was almost five times greater in the absence of partner support.
Generosity of grandparents
Approximately 20 families each week learn that a teenager is a party to a pregnancy. This news can be a jolt that challenges many older parents into acts of the most extraordinary generosity. It is never easy for a couple who have reared their family and are looking forward to enjoying the peace and quiet of middle age to give all that up in order to give a teenager the support she needs, yet very many do.
The parents of a baby born today can anticipate caring for that child for more than 20 years before he or she becomes financially independent. For grandparents who are parenting a second family, that time frame can extend to 35 or even 40 years. It reminds me of the postcard that says: Let’s have our children while our parents are still young enough to look after them.
This article first appeared in Reality (January 1999), a publication of the Irish Redemptorists.
