Edmond Grace SJ sheds some light on the questions about death from a grieving spouse.
My husband died just over ten years ago and recently I had the usual Anniversary Mass said for him. I still miss him terribly, though I often sense his presence in a comforting kind of way. I have even found myself at times asking him to pray for me! I am not saying he was a saint, but he was a very good man. I have absolutely no doubt that he is with God, and yet I would hate not to have that anniversary Mass. Am I doubting God’s mercy by continuing to pray for him after all these years? Or am I being presumptuous in thinking that he is in heaven? I hope you can shed some light on my confusion.
It is perfectly understandable to be confused in the face of the most mysterious of all events in this world – death. Perhaps the most important element to keep in mind is that with any of the deep mysteries of life we cannot come to terms with them simply with our intellect. There are reasons for the seemingly contradictory way that you feel but they are reasons of the heart – not of the head – and they deserve to be respected. We cannot ignore our feelings.
It is certainly a blessing that you have a sense of your husband’s presence. After all, we do believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins. Indeed, sainthood is the outcome of the forgiveness of one’s sins.
Faith in God’s mercy
All the great saints acknowledged themselves to be sinners and they were not simply engaging in false modesty. They were imperfect people, just like any of us. They are also an example to us of how to respond to God’s love and to forgiveness itself. When we ourselves have been hurt we find it very difficult to forgive and for that reason we often find it hard to believe that God has forgiven us.
When we pray for the dead we are asking God to do something which we find difficult – even impossible without the help of prayer and grace – and which God finds easy. St Thomas Aquinas says that mercy, which is the source of forgiveness, is God’s greatest attribute. Sometimes, when we ask God to have mercy on someone’s souls, we are doing no more than seeking reassurance for ourselves. It is strange to think that God has to be begged for mercy! The only imaginable answer to such a prayer is, ‘You of little faith! How could I fail to have mercy! Can’t you see that the experience of true faith carries with it a sense of reassurance?’
Solidarity
In another, and very real sense, when we pray for the dead we are standing in solidarity with them as they pass through what must be a purifying and awesome moment. We can only see God face to face by letting go of every shred of hatred and resentment and old hurt. Of course, this purification begins here on earth, but it is good to know that as we prepare for our final journey the community of faith is with us in prayer.
Grieving
Praying for the dead is also part of the process of grieving. It is a very natural reaction to be angry with someone we love for leaving us. This may not be so in your case, but it is worth considering. No relationship is perfect and it is natural to have some unfinished business with a person close to us who has died. Part of mourning is the realisation that we need the grace to forgive the person who had died for any ways in which they have failed to love us. And even the most loving person fails in some way. We also need to ‘forgive’ them simply for dying and leaving us broken hearted. This may seem strange at first sight, but it does make sense when you think that the more we love someone the more we can be hurt at being left alone by them.
Giving thanks
There is, of course, another and very good reason to remember the dead at Mass and in prayer. It is right to remember them, to keep their memory alive and to give thanks.
Maybe in addition to praying for the repose of the souls of the dead we should be encouraged to pray in thanksgiving for their lives and for all that we have received through them. Their love for us, after all, does not end with death; it can still support us from beyond the grave.
Such an attitude of thanksgiving is itself a grace to be prayed for; it will deepen our faith and lead us to a fuller understanding of the forgiveness of sins and the communion of saints!
This article first appeared in the Messenger, a publication of the Irish Jesuits.
