Ralph F. Ranieri explains how excessive shyness can cause children severe emotional pain. Once you understand the causes, you can take steps to resolve the problem.
Shyness is one of those problems that can slip by parents and teachers. Some parents think shyness is “cute,” and may even unconsciously encourage it. Teachers often fail to recognise it as a problem because shy children are usually obedient and co-operative.
However, shyness is a problem for many children. For some it is a mild problem connected with a certain phase of development. For others it is a severe problem that constricts them emotionally and socially.
Shyness can affect all children, from the two-year-old who will not leave Mother’s arms to the teenager who becomes speechless in the presence of the opposite sex. If the child is simply going through a phase, parents need only to be supportive and understanding. Time will resolve the problem. Children often go through such periods when they must adjust to a new school or a new neighbourhood.
Emotional pain
However, excessive shyness can create severe emotional pain. Extremely shy children are afraid to express themselves. They feel panic when meeting new people and are easily embarrassed when attracting the attention of others. In general, children who are inordinately shy miss the chance to enjoy school, playmates, and the normal adventures of growing up, like sports, parties, and making friends.
If your child exhibits excessive shyness for a prolonged period of time, you need to take action. Overcoming extreme shyness is important for his or her mental health, of course, but it is equally important to help the child develop his or her God-given potential. Start by looking at the possible causes. Once you understand the causes, you can take steps to resolve the problem.
Fear of helplessness
A common cause of shyness is a fear of helplessness. Many children fear they are too weak or ineffective to assert themselves. They hold back and avoid situations that call for them to demonstrate their effectiveness or strength.
Sean was shy. All through primary school he was a quiet, compliant child who worked well. Since he never caused any trouble, no one realised now much Sean was suffering. Once he entered secondary school, his shyness became more pronounced. He told his parents that he hated school.
Sean had a deep fear of being helpless. Through the years, his feelings of helplessness were reinforced. His parents never let him do anything around the home. His mother shopped for all his clothes, and when there was a problem at school, the parents intervened quickly without giving Sean a chance to resolve the problem himself. Once the father reprimanded a boy for fighting with Sean while Sean stood by crying from embarrassment.
Sean’s helplessness was learned. He never recognised how effective or powerful he could be. His self-confidence sagged, and he felt safer avoiding people rather than relying on his own skills to deal with difficulties.
Ridicule and criticism
Some children feel helpless because they are consistently and harshly criticised during their early years. Maggie, a sixth class pupil, was constantly corrected by her parents. Whenever she spoke, her grammar was questioned and her ideas were treated as childish whims.
Maggie quickly came to the conclusion that there was no way she could express herself without running the risk of ridicule. Her solution was to withdraw from any situation in which she might have to express herself. She worked for hours preparing a project for the school science fair, but she never submitted it because she “knew it wasn’t good enough.” Criticism had become such a steady staple in Maggie’s diet that she expected everyone to criticise her. Shyness was a socially acceptable way to escape criticism.
Children also feel helpless when adults fail to notice their feelings during a crisis. After a separation or divorce, a death in the family, or the illness of a parent, a child can have complicated and confusing feelings. These emotions may leave him or her feeling unable to cope.
Following a crisis, some children refuse to leave home, even to go to school. What looks like shyness on the surface is really an underlying fear of separating from a parent. They fear something will happen if they let their parents out of their sight. A sense of helplessness in dealing with these feelings causes them to want to maintain contact with their parents at all times.
Taking risks
If you want to aid a shy child who is struggling with feelings of helplessness, you will have to take some risks. First, you will need to take an honest look at yourself. This is always risky because none of us likes to discover our own faults. I don’t mean to imply that you, as a parent, are responsible for all of your child’s problems, but it is easy to slip unconsciously into habits like overprotecting and over-criticising.
Doreen had four children. The first three were all outgoing, but the youngest was excessively shy. After taking an honest look at herself, Doreen finally admitted that she was overprotective with the youngest child. “I guess it had something to do with not wanting to let go of the baby,” she said.
Edwin reached similar conclusions about his relationship with his son. Edwin was critical of everything his son did. The boy was showing signs of helplessness. “My goals are so high. I only want the best for him,” Edwin said. “But I think I can get my point across in a more supportive way. Perhaps I can even overlook some things.”
Once you have looked honestly at yourself, you can take the next step and try to change some of your behaviour. Changing behaviour to assist the shy child to feel his or her strength and effectiveness is a major step.
Encouraging children
You can also encourage your child to do things that demonstrate personal effectiveness. For a small child, this might mean encouraging him or her to bring something for a game of Show and Tell. For an older child, some support in joining a team or club might be helpful. For a teenager, just sitting down and explaining the mechanics of asking someone for a date can build confidence.
Shy children of all ages who are constricted by feelings of helplessness can profit from a stable, supportive relationship. To get started, your child needs to lean on your strength. Eventually, the child will recognise his or her own effectiveness. The mere fact that you are paying attention will lead your child to believe in his or her own ability to handle situations.
Need for control
Besides helplessness, another cause of excessive shyness is the need to keep control over impulses. Some children are so wary of losing control that they spend an inordinate amount of time concentrating on their impulses. This leaves them with very little energy for interaction with others.
Dr Joseph Nosphitz, professor of psychiatry at George Washington University in the US, says that some children reach puberty with so many inhibitions about sex that they find it difficult to relax in the presence of the opposite sex. These children are constantly on their guard, lest they lose control. Shyness toward the opposite sex is the result.
But this condition is not solely confined to erotic situations. Dr Noshpitz explains, “It may appear in authority-related situations or under competitive circumstances.” Shyness is one way a child can “hold back” in a socially acceptable way.
Sometimes parental prohibitions make a child self-conscious about impulses. Tom was an emotional 10 year old. Because he was so active, his mother was constantly trying to control him, but her attempts were always negatively worded. She would frequently tell him, “Stop crying,” “Don’t get angry,” “Don’t make so much noise,” or “Don’t be so silly.”
Tom got the message. He assumed that his mother thought he was unable to control his impulses. This frightened him. The last thing he wanted to do was embarrass himself in front of his friends. To compensate for what he thought was a lack of control, Tom exerted a rigid vigilance over himself. He held back to such an extent that he withdrew from friends and good times.
Losing control
Children may also become excessively concerned about losing control when they feel guilty over some past action. Mary was a “hot-tempered” 13 year old. She freely waded into controversy with both her parents. Co-incidentally, at this time, her parents separated. Their separation had nothing to do with Mary’s behaviour, but Mary was certain she was responsible. From that point on, Mary became excessively shy. Not only was her temper gone but there was no trace of assertiveness in her. When a situation called for assertive action, Mary would avoid it. She had concluded that she would never hurt anyone else by losing control again.
Children who fight so hard to maintain control over their impulses run the risk of going to the other extreme, which is passivity. No healthy person can go through life passively. Children must learn that there will always be risks, but some risks are worth taking.
Children also need to feel secure about themselves. They may have lost control in the past, but they need the reassurance that they can maintain control most of the time. It is very frightening to go through life if you do not trust yourself. What makes people feel secure is the knowledge that they can trust themselves to stay in control of their impulses. This lesson must be brought home to the child who is excessively shy.
Offer alternatives
To help a child whose shyness comes from fear of losing control, you must teach alternatives. When you tell your child what not to do, remember to tell him or her how not to do it.
For example, instead of telling your child, “Don‘t cry,” offer an alternative to crying. You might say, “Tommy, when you get upset and feel like crying, you can come to me. We can talk about whatever is bothering you.” Instead of saying, “Don’t ever let me see you lose your temper again,” you could say, “When you are angry at someone, it usually helps to let that person know what you are angry about.”
Alternatives are educational. They teach your child what to do with impulses. But alternatives are also supportive. Implied in your alternative is the belief that your child can handle the impulses and even find an acceptable way to express them.
Curbing impulses is important, and you should be firm in your expectations regarding control. However, in your zeal to teach your child impulse control, remember that Jesus advised against putting stumbling blocks in front of children. You do your child a disservice if you do not help him or her toward self-trust. A healthy control of impulses begins with self-trust.
While shyness is an easy problem to overlook, it has far-reaching affects on a child’s life. The parent who is perceptive can be a great help to the child struggling to overcome shyness.
This article first appeared in Liguorian and is reprinted here with permission from Reality, a publication of the Irish Redemptorists.
