Carmel Wynne argues that we do children no favours when we try to protect them from the reality of death; we should, rather, prepare them in advance, in a manner appropriate to their age, for each of the events surrounding the death of someone they know.
It is understandable that death is a subject that many parents never think of discussing with young people. Yet, each year thousands of children and teenagers experience bereavement. How difficult the experience is made for them depends, of course, on how close they were to the deceased. It is also affected by what the family believes about death and the after-life, and on how well the whole funeral procedure is explained.
Gone to God’s house
Very young children cannot understand death. A toddler who is told that a relative has gone to heaven or to holy God’s house will probably expect the person to come back again. It is vitally important to explain that when granny goes to her eternal reward we will never be able to see her alive again. She will not be able to return and visit the family.
A child who has no understanding of what death means has no comprehension of what has happened if a parent or other close relative dies. All she knows is that the person has disappeared and is missing. It is not uncommon for the child who loses a parent to death to feel abandoned, to assume the parent had a choice and to believe that the parent didn’t want to stay. This leads to a sense of inadequacy that many bereaved children carry into adulthood. This may remain with them for a lifetime.
Family therapist Virginia Satir says, “Children who do not see evidence of a parent’s death and are not helped to grieve over the death and integrate it into their lives can develop serious blocks.” Well meaning adults can often sanctify the departed as if they lived like saints when they were alive. This can be difficult for a child who has negative as well as positive memories. It is confusing to be told “you must never speak ill of the dead.” Suggestions like this stop us remembering the real person.
Careful in talking
Adults need to be extremely careful about the conversations they have in the hearing of children. It is amazing how literally children understand what they hear. A friend of mine was shocked when she discovered that her four year- old daughter found out that she had a miscarriage. Unaware that little ears were listening and taking everything in, she had talked openly to her sister on the telephone about her distress at losing the baby.
At bedtime her daughter was clinging and whinging. When her mother asked what was upsetting her, she said “Mummy, I don’t want you to lose me.” Amazed that her previously secure daughter was showing signs of insecurity, she asked what made her say that. Imagine her shock when she was told, “I heard you tell Aunt Fiona that you lost the baby.
There is no easy way to prepare older children to deal with the loss of a loved one. It is especially painful when it is a sudden death due to illness or an accident. However, there are many things that a parent can do to minimise the regrets that could burden a child with a lifetime of guilt.
Dealing with feelings of anger
I suspect every parent has heard the urban fable of the angry child who was frustrated by a parent who insisted that she stay home and do her homework while mother drove to the supermarket. The child screamed after her, as children often do, “I wish you were dead.” The mother was killed in a car crash. The daughter believed she was responsible and carried the guilt for “murdering” her mother. Children are particularly liable to believe that feelings of anger and aggression can cause bad things to happen. The wise parent who overhears a child venting angry feelings that include a wish that another person die or be killed will talk to the child. Children seldom find appropriate ways to express negative emotions like anger and grief without adult guidance.
It is understandable that many parents think they are doing their children a favour by ‘protecting’ them from the distress of family funerals. But they are not. I am writing this article with the wisdom of hindsight. At my own mother’s funeral recently, I brought my three nephews aged 14, 17 and 19 years into the funeral home, and caused them unnecessary distress. I asked did they want to come in with me or would they prefer to remain outside, thinking they knew that their granny’s body was laid out in an open coffin. Because ,they had attended two funerals of close relatives in the previous six months, I assumed that they knew what happened in the funeral parlour prior to the removal to the church. They didn’t.
How to talk about death
Traumatic situations like this can easily happen because there is so much silence surrounding death in our society. Adults who are grieving can seldom think clearly enough to be sensitively aware of what children and older teenagers need to know. When family members are dealing with their own grief is not a good time to begin to talk about death.
Death is an inevitable part of life. Children of all ages need to attend the funerals of loved ones to grieve over their death. We do them no favours when we try to protect them and keep them away. Ideally, they will be prepared by having an explanation that is appropriate to their age and understanding. Talk to them about what occurs at a removal, funeral mass and burial before they have to experience those events.
Prepare them to see the corpse. Tell them that the deceased will look almost the same as she always did. Her body is no longer able to breathe and her heart has stopped beating, so her colour will change. She will look like she has a light suntan and she will feel cold if you touch her. Phrases like “the body being laid out” and “paying their last respects” to the deceased will have no meaning for children.
It is better to explain that granny will lie in a long box called a coffin or casket. It will be lined with white material like a baby’s basket, and people who come there to say goodbye for the last time will be very sad. Some adults will be upset and will cry. You might like to suggest that it is kinder not to stare.
The members of my family found great comfort in the beautiful lines from Kahil Gibran:
“If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,
open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one,
even as the river and the sea are one.”
“And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides.”
This article first appeared in Reality (September 1999), a Redemptorist Publication.
