Fr Morgan Costelloe finds a source of hope as he reflects on bereavement and grief.
The well-dressed gentleman in the presbytery parlour was not a parishioner. He had parked his car outside, a classy type of car which people in our deprived, inner-city parish could not afford. He wore an expensive suit and a worried look. “I wonder if I may ask you a favour?” he said. “One of your parishioners works for my firm,” he explained. “Unfortunately, there was a bad accident this morning and he was killed instantly. Would you be good enough to come with me and break the news to his widow?”
It was a heart-breaking task but I went along and we told the good woman as gently as we could. The memory of that sunny afternoon still lives with me. As we approached the house, the dead man’s little boy ran over to me and asked, “How’ya Father?”
“Not bad, Billy,” I answered, but even he realised that I spoke without conviction. I was thinking of how I would tell his mother that his father would never come home again, wondering what a change the sad news would have on him, on her and his family.
Death in the family
A death in the family comes to us all. You have heard it said, “It is better for those who go than for those who remain,” and there is some truth in that remark. Those who die in God’s grace go home to God: “For Your faithful people, Lord, life is changed, not ended. When the body of our earthly dwelling lies in death we gain an everlasting dwelling place in heaven” (Preface: Mass for the Dead). But those who remain must work through their grief.
Grief is like a long, sad journey through a tunnel. With faith in God, we know that the light of the Risen Saviour will be found at the end. We will have many different experiences as we travel through; some frightening, many sorrowful. But these are perfectly normal, as a rule, because grief is an emotional illness and a full recovery takes time.
It is good for the bereaved and for their friends and relatives to realise this. When you get the flu, the doctor can help you by explaining the progress of your illness: normally you will have a high temperature for two days, a loss of appetite for three days and you should return to normal in about a week. A person who has suffered a death in the family will likewise find strength in the knowledge that all will be well, with God’s help, in time but they must first endure shock and sadness, depression and fear. Jesus made a similar prediction to His apostles when He mentioned His approaching death: “Truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament – but your sorrow will turn to joy” (Jn. 16:20).
Painful Stages
How long will recovery take? That depends on many factors – a person’s faith and the circumstances of the death, to mention just two. On average, recovery takes between six months and two years.
Much study has been made of grief in recent years. Dr. Granger Westberg of the Houston Medical Centre notes ten stages through which people move as they grieve. These stages are not always clearly discernible nor do they always follow in the same order. In these pages we will consider some of them in the hope of bringing consolation to readers who are working through their grief.
Looking back on Tom’s tragic death many years ago, his widow, Rita, certainly went through these stages. At first, she was stunned and remained in a state of shock for many days. Then, as she realised what had happened, she broke down and wept a lot. She felt depressed, lonely and afraid of the future. The next stage took her completely by surprise. She began to blame herself for Tom’s death. She should have stopped him going to work that morning, she told herself. She should have been kinder to him while he was with her. This was irrational because they were a very happy family. But such guilty feelings often attack the bereaved.
The strangest stage was yet to come. Rita had always been a good practising Catholic but now she began to grow angry with God! This really frightened her. “Why did he leave me a widow with five young children?” But this reaction to God is normal. Rita was resentful for a while but gradually she returned to her usual activities, thanks to the support of her good neighbours and friends.
Then one day she realised that she was coming to the end of her tunnel of grief. Slowly, the peace of Christ returned to her soul. Today she is a topclass counsellor for all who suffer such sudden tragic bereavement.
Grief and prayer
The secret of success for those working through their grief is to hold on to their faith in the infinite wisdom, love and power of their loving Heavenly Father. Prayer will be difficult, long prayers impossible, but just to attempt them in these circumstances is a wonderful prayer in God’s sight. A short prayer like ‘Thy Will be done’ can bring relief.
Attendance at Mass and reception of Holy Communion will bring temporary peace, at least, if people can convince themselves that the nearer they are to God the nearer they are to their dear ones who are with Him. St. Bonaventure is credited with the beautiful expression: “Our beloved dead have gone only as far as God and God is very near”. Finally, there are many prayers of consolation in the new Funeral Rite, like the one for the bereaved:
“O Lord Jesus Christ, God of all consolation, who was moved to tears at the grave of Lazarus, look now with compassion on Your servants who are sorely grieved by their loss. Strengthen in their hearts the spirit of faith to accept this cross from Your loving hands. Give to their troubled hearts and to the hearts of all people the light of hope. May they so live that they may one day be united again in the kingdom of your love. Amen.”This is an excerpt from ‘Only as Far as God: Hope for the Bereaved’, a Messenger publication by Fr. Morgan Costelloe.
